Hamlet Wore Ladies Underwear
(and Other Literary Secrets Outed)

by Ted Gioia


“J.K. Rowling Outs Hogwarts’ Headmaster: Tells Audience Albus Dumbledore is
Gay” (recent news headline)

Of course, this news brought with it the even more shocking revelation that
fictional characters lead lives outside the pages of their books. We can now
wonder what King Lear ate for breakfast, or where Mr. and Mrs. Darcy went
on their
honeymoon. In fact, we anticipate that Ms. Rowling’s bold move will
set off a whole string of literary surprises. We share some of them in
imaginary headlines below.

        *        *        *        *        *        *        *

“Ian Fleming Admits 007 Never Had License to Kill: ‘Gun Loaded Only
With Blanks’”


“Strike Four: Mighty Casey Implicated in Mudville Steroid Scandal”


“Say It Ain’t So! Carroll Claims Alice Made Up Wonderland Story”


“Cervantes Tells All: Quixote – Windmill Fight Was Fixed!”


“Author Hints at Existence of Two More Mohicans"


“Now It Can Be Told:
Lord of the Flies was Reality Show ‘Gone Badly
Wrong’”


“'Me Tarzan, You Jane, She Jane’s Best Friend': Author Reveals
Tarzan’s Torrid Tree-somes"


"Goethe Admits Young Werther’s Sorrows Could Have Been Treated
With Prozac”


"Roth Revelation: Zuckerman Member of Masonic Lodge?”


“Press Conference Bombshell: Two Karamazov Brothers Adopted:
Ivan Not Even Russian”


On the Road Protagonist Drove Off-Road Vehicle”


“Dickens Now Claims Third City in his Tale”


“Not So Cowardly?: Baum Confesses He Defamed Lion”


War and Peace Author Admits: ‘The Peace Never Lasted’”


“The Bard Breaks His Silence: Romeo Had a Second Wife”


“The Day Lucky Jim’s Luck Ran Out”


“Alice Walker Tells Workshop: The Color Was Actually Light Violet”


“Defoe Declares: Robinson Crusoe Had GPS Locator, Communication
Device”


“Homeric Hutzpah:  Epic Poet Says Helen of Troy Had Plastic Surgery:
‘Without Nip and Tuck, Face Would Not Have Launched a Single Ship.’”


“Orwellian Nightmare: Spouse Claims 'Big Brother Liked to Watch'”


"Gabriel Garcia Marquez Now Admits: Only Eighty-Seven Years of
Solitude”


"'The Only Roach in That House Was in the Ash Tray':  Kafka Claims
Gregor Samsa Imagined Metamorphosis While High on Banned
Substances"


“The Sad Truth About Sherlock Holmes’ Faithful Companion: Watson
Not a Real Doctor – Bought Degree from Diploma Mill”


"J.D. Salinger Breaks Silence: Holden Caulfield Grew Up to Become
Hedge Fund Manager"




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